Mrs. Teabody Takes on Dr. Oz and his "Two-Day Wonder Cleanse"
Good Morning, Gentle Reader! Mrs. Teabody is far from her usual amiable state as she has been victimized once again by technology and the morning's carefully constructed and lengthy missive to you is languishing somewhere in cyber Never-Never Land, finding Mrs. Teabody back in the starting blocks, older, wiser, but far from being cleansed. More like being fleeced, truth to tell. By her own hands, at that. Attend.
If, like Mrs. Teabody, a beach holiday is part of your future plans, and if, like Mrs. Teabody, your figure shows some want of "slimming," perhaps you have heard of Dr. Oz's "Two-Day Wonder Cleanse." Dr. Oz is the engaging gent who will speak to any and all embarrassing questions about the functions of the human body. Mrs. Teabody still rues the day when she heard the word "poop" used on national television, but today Mrs. Teabody will speak of the ethereally thin Dr. Oz and his "Wonder" cleanse.
With what abandon did Mrs. Teabody print off the basic plan as well as the four major recipes for: Dr. Oz's Vegetable Broth, Dr. Oz's Pineapple-Kale Juice, Dr. Oz's Revitalizing Fruit Smoothie, and Dr. Oz's Quinoa with Prunes. With hopeful heart she entered the local green grocers, list in hand and an hour and a half later emerged wheeling groceries totalling $68.58 to detoxify her poisoned self.
First things first. At least half a dozen of Mrs. Teabody's long-term friends have tried the legendary "Cabbage Soup diet" so this "Vegetable Broth," relying as it does on one head of cabbage as its main ingredient holds little in the way of surprise. Adding costly ingredients including a bulb of fennel and shiitake caps as well as caraway seeds merely make it more expensive. Dr. Oz's vegetable broth comes in at just over ten dollars in costs and smells to the Antipodes. So bad in fact was its "aroma" that Mrs. Teabody relegated the vast pot and its contents into the great outdoors and used no fewer than twenty blasts of Febreez to make Chez Teabody habitable again. So much for that.
Pineapple-kale Juice. Kale. Kale. This green has never been part of the larder at Chez Teabody, Gentle Reader, but Mrs. Teabody was game to try the combination of cleansing elements such as pineapple/kale/cucumbers/lemon/mint/artichoke hearts if it meant a healthier ( and svelter) Mrs. Teabody. This concoction came in at just over ten dollars in costs and would have cost a great deal more had Mrs. Teabody yielded to the suggestion that it is best created in a "juicer, " another stranger to Chez Teabody. This "refreshing beverage" which Dr. Oz says you may "Enjoy as often as you like" took on an amazing hue from all that leafy green kale and it appears to look like this ( only a great deal lumpier).
Gentle Reader, in spite of all the resolve Mrs. Teabody could muster, she could not imbibe more than a swallow or two. Mrs. Teabody regrets her squeamishness but she regrets her foolishness far more. What was she expecting? A mojito? A maragrita? Possibly. Those are green drinks Mrs. Teabody enjoys, but all that quantity of pineapple-kale juice has been relegated to the base of the Mountain Hawthorne where Mrs. Teabody trusts it will do some good. Kale. KALE. Remember that word, Gentle Reader.
In fairness the quinoa - - and a quick word, Gentle Reader. . . do NOT pronounce it "KWEE- no- ah" as it is pronounced "KEEN-wa. " The keenwa was very good. It cost only eleven dollars and seventeen cents to purchase the "fixins" for Dr. Oz's recipe, but there are enough little pearls, prunes, rice milk and ginger to last several days, and if not for the pot RUINED when the little pearls of quinoa leeched onto the bottom of the pot like. . . well, like leeches, Mrs. Teabody would not be so appalled by the costs involved. Likewise, Mrs. Teabody has no issue with the ingredients for the revitalizing fruit smoothie which, aside from CHIA SEEDS, (Mon Dieu!) are all staples of Chez Teabody. One last note, and Mrs. Teabody shall move along to an upbeat conclusion.
Fermented sauerkraut. Dr. Oz recommends this as a "side" dish with sliced apples. Sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup? Yes, you read that correctly: sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup. In the name of all that is holy, how did Mrs. Teabody miss such a telling part of this plan? Mark this down, Gentle Reader: starting today, Thruppence Teabody shall NEVER begin any cleansing plan, even one designed by the charming Dr. Oz. Sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup, indeed! Why, the mind positively REELS!
If, like Mrs. Teabody, a beach holiday is part of your future plans, and if, like Mrs. Teabody, your figure shows some want of "slimming," perhaps you have heard of Dr. Oz's "Two-Day Wonder Cleanse." Dr. Oz is the engaging gent who will speak to any and all embarrassing questions about the functions of the human body. Mrs. Teabody still rues the day when she heard the word "poop" used on national television, but today Mrs. Teabody will speak of the ethereally thin Dr. Oz and his "Wonder" cleanse.
With what abandon did Mrs. Teabody print off the basic plan as well as the four major recipes for: Dr. Oz's Vegetable Broth, Dr. Oz's Pineapple-Kale Juice, Dr. Oz's Revitalizing Fruit Smoothie, and Dr. Oz's Quinoa with Prunes. With hopeful heart she entered the local green grocers, list in hand and an hour and a half later emerged wheeling groceries totalling $68.58 to detoxify her poisoned self.
First things first. At least half a dozen of Mrs. Teabody's long-term friends have tried the legendary "Cabbage Soup diet" so this "Vegetable Broth," relying as it does on one head of cabbage as its main ingredient holds little in the way of surprise. Adding costly ingredients including a bulb of fennel and shiitake caps as well as caraway seeds merely make it more expensive. Dr. Oz's vegetable broth comes in at just over ten dollars in costs and smells to the Antipodes. So bad in fact was its "aroma" that Mrs. Teabody relegated the vast pot and its contents into the great outdoors and used no fewer than twenty blasts of Febreez to make Chez Teabody habitable again. So much for that.
Pineapple-kale Juice. Kale. Kale. This green has never been part of the larder at Chez Teabody, Gentle Reader, but Mrs. Teabody was game to try the combination of cleansing elements such as pineapple/kale/cucumbers/lemon/mint/artichoke hearts if it meant a healthier ( and svelter) Mrs. Teabody. This concoction came in at just over ten dollars in costs and would have cost a great deal more had Mrs. Teabody yielded to the suggestion that it is best created in a "juicer, " another stranger to Chez Teabody. This "refreshing beverage" which Dr. Oz says you may "Enjoy as often as you like" took on an amazing hue from all that leafy green kale and it appears to look like this ( only a great deal lumpier).
Gentle Reader, in spite of all the resolve Mrs. Teabody could muster, she could not imbibe more than a swallow or two. Mrs. Teabody regrets her squeamishness but she regrets her foolishness far more. What was she expecting? A mojito? A maragrita? Possibly. Those are green drinks Mrs. Teabody enjoys, but all that quantity of pineapple-kale juice has been relegated to the base of the Mountain Hawthorne where Mrs. Teabody trusts it will do some good. Kale. KALE. Remember that word, Gentle Reader.
In fairness the quinoa - - and a quick word, Gentle Reader. . . do NOT pronounce it "KWEE- no- ah" as it is pronounced "KEEN-wa. " The keenwa was very good. It cost only eleven dollars and seventeen cents to purchase the "fixins" for Dr. Oz's recipe, but there are enough little pearls, prunes, rice milk and ginger to last several days, and if not for the pot RUINED when the little pearls of quinoa leeched onto the bottom of the pot like. . . well, like leeches, Mrs. Teabody would not be so appalled by the costs involved. Likewise, Mrs. Teabody has no issue with the ingredients for the revitalizing fruit smoothie which, aside from CHIA SEEDS, (Mon Dieu!) are all staples of Chez Teabody. One last note, and Mrs. Teabody shall move along to an upbeat conclusion.
Fermented sauerkraut. Dr. Oz recommends this as a "side" dish with sliced apples. Sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup? Yes, you read that correctly: sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup. In the name of all that is holy, how did Mrs. Teabody miss such a telling part of this plan? Mark this down, Gentle Reader: starting today, Thruppence Teabody shall NEVER begin any cleansing plan, even one designed by the charming Dr. Oz. Sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup, indeed! Why, the mind positively REELS!
Mrs. Teabody has shared some valuable wisdom with you today, Gentle Reader. Do learn from her mistakes. When a "cleanse" costs a lot of money, requires equipment one does not own, or the ingestion of foods one would not ordinarily try, and especially one that suggests sauerkraut as a side dish to cabbage soup, back away slowly, take a deep breath and say in your sweetest possible voice, "No. Dr. Oz. No. Not today. Not ever."
Ta for now, Dearies!
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