Mrs. Teabody Turns Even Older

 

"Okay, Boomer." 

The phrase is dismissive, yes? But I am not here to be okayed--far from it. This is classic  Boomer Blah-blah-blah all the way, so let's go! It's my birthday which means it is time to reflect.

 Like most older folks I laid the foundation of my philosophy under the influence of popular culture. My place in my community was defined by those joyful inhabitants of Mayberry and Walton's Mountain.  Let's not forget Dodge City, Kansas. My earliest heroes were formed by a team of writers at Walt Disney. My course in affairs of the heart was set out for me in the lyrics of the Shirrells, the Supremes, the Beatles and the Beachboys. Indeed there wasn't a single question about romantic existence that could not be answered with a lyric - -  there still isn't if I'm honest.

  Carrying buckets of milk from the barn to the milk house on a farm bound tightly on all sides by mountains in rural Pennsylvania did not keep me out of Monte Carlo thanks to Ian Fleming and his amazing double o seven, or out of a brownstone in NYC compliments of Rex Stout or away from the well-tended gardens of St. Mary Mead in Jolly Olde thanks to Agatha Christie. To guarantee a little weirdness, I spent late nights in "The Twilight Zone" and in the company of Alfred Hitchcock. The end of Johnny Carson's "Tonight Show" meant it was bedtime. For thoughts of the future and  worlds floating outside Earth's sphere, I had Heinlein, Asimov, films, ESQUIRE and TIME magazines. And without fail, the Sunday NYT.

 I cannot remember a time in my life that I wasn't curious about the big wide world and beyond. I still embrace pop culture with zeal. Musically I like everything from Cole Porter to Bruno Mars; as for television? Oh, I watch way too much! Way too much Acorn and BritBox. I never tire of the crimefighters like Tommy Perez, Vera, Tom Barnaby, Luther, the whole Oxford gang created by Colin Dexter and where oh where would we all be without Sherlock? My favorite newspaper is The Guardian. If there is nothing pressing in my retired schedule, I enjoy rabbit holing on the www. I check into Facebook once or twice a day to see what my friends post and to play free casino games, spend an inordinate amount of time on travel forums, and still read a book a week, most weeks. I adore the humor of Madigan, Mulaney,  and Dave Chappelle. And when I am not being passively entertained, I have the most incredibly smart and funny friends and family members. Blessed.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I will be 75. Really and truly old. I last wrote about my philosophy when I had lived 613, 200 hours, the number of hours you will get if you live to be 70.  Now my tally is 657,000 hours. Have I learned anything worthwhile  in the last 44,000 hours?Perhaps. I am revisiting my list, making a few changes because it is important how we use those hours – at least the ones after we reach maturity and start paying our own bills-- a time  when most of our hours are used to make money. My favorite hours are the ones I have now, perhaps because under the very best of circumstances, my days are dwindling down to a precious few. Our leisure is our own. In spite of my advanced years, I am still far from being an expert on anything, but I am this for certain: a happy and positive person. Still. I wake up grateful and go to sleep grateful. Maybe in reading my list, you'll find something useful to hang onto. Maybe not. You don't have to read my top 70 tips about life. Heaven knows modern life gives us enough diversions that we don't really have to do anything. But for those still reading, here goes:

                                                        The list, revisited

70. Don't believe everything you read. This really should be in the top ten--at least for anyone who reads only things they agree with. We should all care about truth and that IS possible to uncover, but it is not going to be on Facebook. Subscribe to a reputable online newspaper and read it. Even the truth has reasons for being THE TRUTH.

69. Use salt. It makes almost anything taste better. Even ice cream takes salt.

68. If you expect to do anything that requires effort and time, wear serious shoes, ones that tie and keep your feet clean. The Eiffel Tower was not built by men in flip flops.

67. Never pick black raspberries alone but never eat them with anyone who eats faster than you do. Wear boots. Boots look silly with shorts but if there is one thing snakes respect, it is boots.

66. Closets and dresser drawers can be closed for a reason. No one needs to know everything about you, especially the messy stuff. And EVERYONE has messy stuff.

65. Leave Interstate 81 to those who need something to complain about. Or fear.

64. Never subscribe to any company's E-mail list; unsubscribe is a meaningless term.

63. Cloth napkins can be used dozens of times. Paper ones once. Pillowcases stay fresher longer if you iron them. (Ask your grandmother what an iron is.)

62. Young people know a boatload of stuff; listen to their advice when it comes to technology. They can save you hours.They also possess an entire universe of knowledge based solely on beer.  It is dazzling what they know and how open-minded they are.

61. Sleep on a good mattress; flip it often. Buy all your bedding in one color, preferably white. Everything matches and looks fresh.

60. See if there is a homeopathic way of dealing with a health problem before agreeing to take any kind of prescription drugs. Cheerios and more exercise instead of some cholesterol medication? Oh, hell yeah.

59. Anger can be your worst enemy. Take time to get to its source. Let it go. No one looks good angry.

58. Trust your instincts. There are some people and situations you need to give a wide berth to.

57. Let no one stick a needle in your arm unless he or she is a health care professional. Or a tattoo artist. And on the topic of tattoos, go to someone reputable. You want art not a mess.

56. When it comes to using drugs, you need to know yourself as a person and try to at least imagine the outcome. We have all lost people we love because of addiction. I would not dream of trying heroin but that is because I grew up KNOWING it was pretty much a one-way street. It's hard to watch what it does to a person, to their families. Have a care. Taking hardcore drugs is going to change your life and probably not in a good way. There are local agencies where counseling is available. Reach out. Someone will help. I will certainly try.

55. To become expert at anything requires practice—hours and hours and years and years of practice. Respect a person who has achieved the level of expert. 

54. Once a year you need to visit a big city so you can see how truly insignificant you are. Travel is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself. There are so many things I have learned from getting outside my familiar surroundings.  Meet people who are different from you. Communicate with someone who lives a very different life from yours. Familiar can become too comfortable.

53. You need at least one friend who doesn't sugar-coat the truth.

52. You need at least one friend who is really, really good at something.

51. You need at least one friend who is a GREAT story teller.

50. You need at least one friend who makes you laugh till you wet yourself.

49. You need at least one friend who has seen you at your worst and loves you anyway.

48. If you can find the qualities described in numbers 49-53 all wrapped up in one friend, you've struck gold. Do whatever is necessary to keep this friend in your life. Nurture your friendships.

47. At least once a month, you need to dance along with Ellen. Or Bruno Mars. Dancing is one way to find out just how out of shape you are.

46. At some point in your life you fall into a zone where your mind is pretty much made up about things; you will have discovered a way to make and maintain relationships; you know what makes you tick and what gives you pleasure and/or anxiety along with coping mechanisms. Age 40 seems to be a pretty good age for all that. You will be surprised when the reflection in the mirror looks NOTHING like how you feel.

45. Men have died and worms have eaten them—but not for love. Broken hearts mend. Remember who you were before you met that heart-breaker. Be that person again.

44. Smile when you see a crescent moon hanging in the night sky.  In fact, any moon is worth walking outside to see.

43. Whether or not the sun comes up depends (largely) upon you. Attitude is everything.

42. Make an effort not to leave the planet any worse than you found it. No one over three should be throwing junk on the ground. Act right. Recycle. Don't pollute the ocean. Quit using Roundup. Drive a sensible vehicle.

41. Make no apology for liking (some) pop music. Sometimes the reason a song becomes popular is because it is good. Not always, but sometimes.

40. Never underestimate the deliciousness of a perfectly-cooked hot dog.

39. Illness and disappointment were the founding fathers of fiction. Crack a good mystery to deal with heartache. A few hours in the casino can sometimes help, too.

38. Nothing will hit you harder than the death of your father . . .

37. . . . except for the death of your mother.

36. Swim nude at least once, preferably with someone you love. Warn people ahead of time.

35. Ride in the back seat during a long journey and snooze if you can force yourself.

34. Listen to stand up comedy every chance you get but any comic who introduces himself or herself  by calling you a C---S---- or M---F--- probably is not going to take you very far.

33. Own at least one car that you really and truly love. Do not allow your driving skills to rust. Take a course if you need to.

32. Wear glasses when you have to. Also try to always know where they are. Sometimes they are on your head. On your face.

31. Never bring up an idea unless you can see a path toward executing it or else have a genius friend.

30. Do not spend more than two minutes a day wondering how some people ever got rich. Can you imagine how your life would be if you focused all your energy on adding zeroes to your bottom line? What is the point of having money if you don't use it to make life better?

29. Don't wait until you're old to travel. I wasted five decades never having seen turquoise water. 

28. Have an exit plan. Have a plan B. Let me explain. There are certain "what ifs" that you need to consider. For instance: What if I lost my job? or What if I hate my job so much I have to quit? While you think about this, you need to have a plan before you just walk away. Write it down if that helps. Talk to someone about other possibilities before you leave your current situation.

27. When you're wrong, admit it and apologize even if it almost kills you. You will be wrong. It will happen. You will feel better when you admit it. For instance I have been spelling ketchup wrong for probably thirty years. True story.

26. However, it is not necessary to apologize for the condition of your car. You should clear the passenger seat if you offer someone a lift, however.

25. If you can pay all your bills and have enough money to have a little fun with, you have enough money.

24. You can get through your whole lifetime without attending a football game or a car race, but everyone should see at least one ice hockey game. You must understand that many, many people LOVE football. The love of sports needs to be respected. Hardcore football fans are  infinitely amusing when they talk about teams they don't like.

23. Cigars smell horrible, and, yes, I can tell you were smoking. I wish you wouldn't hurt your lungs but I get it.

22. Live somewhere that gives you well-defined seasons and love at least one thing about every one of them.

21. Don't let anyone spoil your Christmas. Or your birthday. Or your Tuesday. Do whatever it takes to get what you want out of a day or a special occasion. 

20.  Don't change what you admire or respect because your opinion is different from others. Just because everyone you talk to hates Mr. A or Mr. B or Mr. A AND Mr. B, doesn't mean you have to feel the same way. We all have our passions. Season tickets to Steelers games? A guided trophy hunt? Cross country skiing in the dead of winter? Look hard enough and you will find others who enjoy what you enjoy. Just respect differences. We surely don't all look alike.

19. Guns are a part of rural life. We need to be responsible gun owners and we need to be safe. You want to lock something up? Make it your guns. :)

18. Comb your hair. I'm as guilty as the next person in an occasional slip up in the appearance department. Don't allow slovenliness to become a habit. Sweatpants in public are for people who break a sweat.

17. Know the words to a few songs, especially if you have a halfway decent voice.

16. Do five things well. They don't even have to be interesting things. You just have to possess the confidence that comes from knowing.

15. Life without real french fries, red meat and great cheese is a betrayal of your digestive system. I have also rediscovered ketchup in my dotage. I won't forget it soon-- nor will I forget how to spell it.

14. Be at least as afraid of breaking a bone as you are of zombies.

13. Don't go around expecting a bear to come walking out of the woods just because that actually happened. Twice.

12. Good health is EVERYTHING.  Do what you can to make and keep yourself healthy. Older folks like myself are vulnerable to Covid 19. 152,000 new cases were diagnosed in America today, 66,000 people hospitalized. Can you imagine how you'd react if you heard that 66,000 Americans had to be hospitalized with food poisoning today?   Use common sense. Respect the fact that we older people are not especially wanting to get the virus. Prevention works and, yes, it is everyone's problem.

11. Everything about our society had become sexualized. Yes, sex is important but real friendship and real love make sex look like an afterthought. Give it the appropriate amount of regard.

10. Listen to music you love EVERY SINGLE DAY OF YOUR LIFE. Sing along.

9. If you're not here to help, then please get out of the way. In all things MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS.

8. Believe what you believe and have good reasons for believing it. Respect that right in others. If you are sitting in a church and the person up front is asking you to hate instead of to love, you may want to rethink what you are doing there to feed your spiritual self.

7. Never underestimate the impact your family and those people you embrace as family have on your day-to-day existence.They are the concrete in your foundation, the shingles on the roof, the brakes in your car, the icing on the cake, the flashlight in the tunnel, and the blood that courses through your veins.

6. You will NEVER change a mean-spirited person into a nice person. Treat them like asbestos, and limit your exposure.

5. In spite of everything you do to remember every minute of your life, whole segments will vanish from your memory. Some fragrance, a few bars of a song, a slant of light will jar your inner core and everything in you will reach backwards for that moment. Fruitlessly. Be in the moment whenever possible.

4. There's a lot to be said for using the brain God gave you. 

3. Count your blessings every single day and give thanks.You will be amazed by just how lucky you are.

2. If you get the chance, spend the last decades of your life with someone who loves you, who lights up a room when he walks into it, who makes you smile daily and who makes every day a day to get excited about. Love him with all your heart.

1. Life is not a dress rehearsal. There are no second chances. There are no do overs. You have been promised 613,200 hours and let me tell you: it won't be nearly long enough. Thanks for listening and thanks for being in my life and caring enough to make it to the end.  As Brian Wilson tells us, "God only knows what I'd be without you . . ."